


[The O.C.] "Insecure Guy" and "Securely Insecure"

by bluestargirl6 (pressdbtwnpages)



Category: The OC
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-30
Updated: 2004-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-04 11:17:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pressdbtwnpages/pseuds/bluestargirl6





	1. Insecure Guy

I'm an insecure guy. This isn't a recent development. I'm just the sort of person who freaks out. I overanalyze. I'm always worrying about what people think, if I'm doing things right.

I worry a lot actually. Especially at night. When my room is dark and I'm trying to fall asleep, guilt attacks. Just as I am about to drift off into sleep something will occur to me. I'll think of some stupid thing I did or a homework assignment I blew off and then I start to stress out. I think of my girl problems, the girl I caused to dump me, the girl who left town to avoid me. I worry about the future and hate that my life feels so uncertain. I don't know where I stand, even with myself. This is not an infrequent frustration. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had made different choices, if I had gone with honor over instinct. All of my stupid little choices flash through my mind like a flipbook and I can feel it coming. It. That guilty scared feeling that starts in your stomach and keeps rising until you're afraid you'll drown and as you fear you try to push the fear back and panic and soon you have to remind yourself to breathe. I force myself to take a deep breath, even though it feels like I might vomit. I clear my head of thoughts.

A knock at the door interrupts my self-analysis.

"Ryan? You up man?" Seth wonders. I invite him in and listen to him babble.

It's strange. I'm so insecure and they don't see it. Not even Seth, and if anyone should be able to recognize the symptoms of insecurity, it's Seth. But no one seems to sense my self-doubt. In a way it's kind of flattering, kind of frustrating too.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just cut Seth off one day, if I opened my mouth and started voicing all of my fears and bewilderments. But that will never happen. I'm too insecure to open myself up like that.


	2. Securely Insecure

He thinks I don't know. He thinks I can't tell when he tunes out my babbling to get introspective.

I would be offended, except, I get it. Well that, and the fact that I don't listen to what I say either. At the moment I'm pretty sure I'm talking about the virtues of Trix versus Fruit Loops, and really, who gives a damn? So I understand tuning me out, and I know how it feels to not know where you fit. I understand the need to suck it up and keep all the doubts inside. I've always babbled, but talking about the important stuff, that's new to me.

I used to be Insecure Guy. Ironically the one who showed me where I fit ended up taking my title. Now I know where I fit, which sucks for him because he's suddenly the one who doesn't know where he stands. I wish I could tell him that he fits, that he is exactly where he ought to be, but I can't. It's a guy thing.

I can't tell him he belongs and I can't teach him how to shield himself from prying eyes. Somehow I can't see the babbling thing working for him. Not that anything I *say* would matter, because neither of us is listening.

That's the one thing I can do for the guy, fill the silences and pretend that I don't know what he's going through. If anyone should be able to recognize the symptoms of insecurity, it's me. I give him time to think, because he has plenty to figure out. If I was a really good person I would tell him all this, but I won't.

I may not be Insecure Guy anymore, but I'm still insecure. I've graduated to being secure in my insecurity. Insecurity is a part of me, it's just who I am. I'm securely insecure. I've found my place but-

"Seth. You're babbling," Ryan cuts me off mid-word, and mid-thought come to think of it.

I want nothing more than to say, 'You're welcome buddy'. I shrug instead.

Because this wordless word-game Ryan and I play is complicated. We shield ourselves with layers of mystery and transparence and lay ourselves bare.

I really should say something to end this awkward silence. That's my job.


End file.
